On Being Gentle With Ourselves As We Start Something New
Perfectionism has been a steady force for stagnation throughout my life.
The fear of doing a poor job of something and embarrassing myself leads me to procrastinate frequently and for long periods, to quit at the first hurdle, or to avoid the thing altogether.
This website has existed for over four years. I published a handful of posts in the beginning, and then quickly abandoned it. I judged myself and my writing, and I felt like I was out of my depth.
Here are just some of the reasons I put off writing:
Disliking the feeling of being “bad” at writing
Indecision over what to write about
Overcomplicating the task in my mind
Fear that my writing won’t provide value, and that nobody will be interested
Fear that I am going to write a poor quality piece, which would support my belief that I am not as capable and/or competent as I think I should be
Fear of being judged by others as incapable and/or incompetent (which is really self-judgment)
An unwillingness to sit in the discomfort of all of the above
We crave certainty and stability, to be sure of the outcome so that we don’t embarrass ourselves. However, in sticking to what we know, we stay small and we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow and evolve.
So here I am, finally writing again for this blog. And it feels different this time.
Below are some tips that have helped me to embrace being a beginner, as a recovering perfectionist:
Meet yourself where you’re at, and feel the feels. When we expect only the best from ourselves, being a beginner is often attached with some sort of anxiety or fear. This is the body trying to protect us from unfamiliar stimuli. When you catch yourself wanting to avoid the new thing, pause and notice the feelings and the thoughts that are arising, without judgment. How do these thoughts and emotions manifest as sensations in your body? Pay attention to them, welcome them, embrace them. What are they trying to communicate to you?
Let yourself do the thing “badly”. When we let go of our own expectation that the end result has to be “perfect”, we are able to show up in the process with less stress and more lightness. I read somewhere that practice does not make perfect, practice makes better practice. The sense of freedom this affords is immense.
Keep it simple. You have to walk before you can run. In the beginning, try to make the process as straightforward and (dare I say) enjoyable as possible. Bells and whistles can come later.
Let the process be an end in itself. Is it possible to welcome the space between where we are and where we want to be? You may have an end goal in mind for this process, but what value might be derived from the experience itself? For example, whilst this blog is intended to be a means to express my ideas and connect with those who might find value in it, I have found the writing process to be a space for reflection, for deep processing, for self-discovery, and for flow. These are strong motivators to keep me coming back to write, even when it’s difficult or frustrating.
Separate the outcome from your identity. If we create something or that feels sub-par or mess up in some way, it’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re bad at the thing and will be forever (as much as we might tell ourselves that), it simply means that the outcome this time was different to what we’d hoped it would be. It is not singularly a reflection of our whole, multifaceted selves.
Be kind to yourself. You are entering unfamiliar territory, and that takes courage! Give yourself credit for that, and try not to berate yourself if you fall short of your own expectations. Instead, appreciate the effort you put in and encourage yourself like you would a friend or even a child.
I’ve spent many hours editing this post. It’s not perfect, and that’s okay. I’m showing up and putting myself out there, and that alone is a success.
As much as we worry about it, we can’t control how others perceive us. Perhaps what deserves more of our attention instead is the way we perceive ourselves.
So be gentle with yourself. Fall in love with the process, and see where it takes you.
Stay gentle,
Lynne x